Fuck Season Previews

Yeah, so last night I was waiting for The Wire to start (sickest fucking show by the way) and decided that if I was going to finish all 30 teams I needed to get cracking. So anyway, I did the Wizards preview, gave some love to my boy Gilbert Arenas (UA alum), and was about to post it when something fucked up and it got erased. Seeing as how I did not want to re-write it, I got pissed off and scrapped the whole idea. 30 teams is a fucking lot and every asshole at espn or si or foxsports does a season preview so I don't want to be like one of those queers anyway. So fuck season previews. Here's a quick rundown of the rest:

Washington Wizards: This will be the season that determines whether Arenas is a superstar and franchise player or just another good scorer on a mediocre team.

L.A. Clippers: Is this the season Shaun Livingston stays healthy and delivers on his tantalizing potential? Time will tell but the Clippers are a good team that gave the Suns a serious run for their money last year. Signing Tim Thomas to a long-term deal was a mistake though. Elton Brand is an absolute beast.

Orlando Magic: Dwight Howard is an absolute monster, I have never seen someone so huge so young. He is like legit 7-foot and keeps getting bigger. He will definitely be the dominant defensive player in the league very soon. But his offensive game is still raw, which is why the Amare comparisons don't work. They are opposites, Amare was (sniff sniff) an unstoppable offensive player who could care less about defense while Howard struggles offensively but gets in people's asses on defense. I've also always liked Jameer Nelson's game. But why the fuck do you draft J.J. Redick in the first round?! Did they not watch the LSU game in tourney, that was a fucking NBA preview.

New Jersey Nets: How could a team with two UA alums (Richard Jefferson and Hassan Adams) not win the Larry O'brien trophy? Well, they have Vince Carter on their team for one. While he remains an exciting player he is already on the downslope of his overrated career and is content with receiving the most all-star votes and losing in the first round of the playoffs. He is a goddamn pussy and about as big a waste of talent as I have ever seen. My grandma has more heart and competitiveness in her left nut than he has in his entire body.

Miami Heat: Fuck Shaq, Fuck Shaq, Fuck Shaq, Wade's cool, and Fuck Shaq.

New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets: Pick a city and stick to it already, but Chris Paul is the future star point guard of the NBA once Nash hangs it up. I love watching him play and even though I don't like Peja he is a good fit for Paul's drive and kick game. David Stern, let the Birdman fly.

Memphis Grizzlies: Who the fuck cares. I wonder if any young black men in Memphis are going rock Rudy Gay jerseys. I'm curious to find out.

Houston Rockets: Will be decent until Tracy Mcgrady hurts his back again... chronic back injuries never go away and I'm sad that we never got to see what he could do when healthy and dominant.

Seattle Supersonics: Just a shitty team, Ray Allen and Rashard Lewis are going to get theirs but there's little else to be excited about if you are a Sonics fan. Go yuppyville U.S.A.

Golden State Warriors: I always liked Baron Davis, I did not realize he was such a cancer and coach killer. Maybe he gets his shit together this year and combined with Jason Richardson the Warriors could be somewhat mediocre.

Dallas Mavericks: Fuck Dallas... Dirk has been at his peak for 3 years now, he's maxed out, there just isn't anything more he can do with his limited athleticism. The fact that he threw Terry under the bus a couple years ago tells me he's not a great locker room guy and that, combined with the antics of Mark Cuban, tell me the team is due for a slide.

Denver Nuggets: Carmelo dominated team USA, which bodes well for the Nuggets. But I never like George Karl and I think having K-Mart around is a kiss of death and this team will once again make a quick exit from the playoffs.

Utah Jazz: AK-47 motherfuckers! In addition to having the coolest nickname in the league he is one of its most exciting players. The Jazz will be gritty as usual, might squeak in to playoffs, but have little hope for more than that.

Philadelphia 76ers: Iverson and Webber= match made in hell. I like Iverson, hate Webber, but neither one has what it takes at this point in their careers to carry a team. Unfortunately the Sixers have stunted UA alum Andre Iguodala's growth by relegating him to third fiddle behind the two. He has likely developed some bad habits that will be hard to shake once the two old farts move on. But I remain optimistic he will become at least an all-star solely based on his athleticism and passing ability.

Boston Celtics: Sebastian Telfair should be better than he is, and will likely never reach his potential because he shares a bloodline with Stephon Marbury. Expect a similarly underwhelming, yet ultimately less impressive career than his cousin.

Charlotte Bobcats: Adam Morrison is a poor fit with this team, as is having Michael Jordan on board. Despite having a solid core of average players this team will never develop because they just don't have enough talent to improve much. Jordan will eventually fuck it all up anyway.

San Antonio Spurs: Ginobali is getting old, Parker can't shoot, and Duncan is Duncan. This team will be great again but I think the window is starting to close. At least I hope it is.

Cleveland Cavaliers: LeBron is going to get his, sell tickets and jerseys, make money and all that, but I question if he really wants to win sometimes. Regardless of where I think his heart lies, he is a ridiculous talent and a pleasure to watch and I hope for the league's sake he wins when it matters most.

Detroit Pistons: Letting Ben Wallace go was a mistake, he held that team together and didn' need the ball to dominate. With that being said I can see why they let him go and with the other four still around they will continue to be very good.

Milwaukee Bucks: Charlie Villanueva has no body hair.

Chicago Bulls: I love Tyrus Thomas. Yes, he is raw as sushi but I like his heart and his hustle and think he will be a perfect Scott Skiles player. He can learn from Ben Wallace how to best go about doing the dirty work and will eventually become a dominant defensive player.

L.A. Lakers: Fuck Kobe, Fuck Kobe, Fuck Kobe, Odom's cool, and Fuck Kobe. p.s. Kobe, say hi to Raja Bell, he will be in your head for as long as you play in the NBA. Get used to it.

Toronto Raptors: I think getting Bryan Colangelo from Phoenix was a genius move, he will make that team better. I hate that the Suns let him go. Chris Bosh is sick and T.J. Ford is decent. Team on the rise.

Minnesota Timberwolves: I feel terrible for KG. He has wasted away the prime of his career on a shitty team is now starting to show the wear and tear from so many years of being alone. I saw a KG for Amare trade rumor and at first I was like fuck no but as I start to think about it I kinda like it. I realize this is blasphemy because Amare is my favorite player, but his knee may never be right and Nash isn't getting any younger, so the time to win is now. KG is desperate to win a title and would kill himself for the cause, making him a perfect fit for the Suns. It is never going to happen but it should give you an idea of how much I like KG.

Sacramento Kings: UA's Bibby is about the only likable thing about this team, I hate Ron Artest and Brad Miller is ugly. I don't dislike Artest for the brawl, I'm kind of indifferent about that, I hate him for his ass-ugly game and dumbass music career. Fuck you Ron Artest, whatchu gon do bitch?

Atlanta Hawks: Former Sun Joe Johnson is the most underrated player in the NBA, and even though I hate him for leaving he will always have a special place in my heart. Love you JJ. And Salim Stoudamire is the dirtiest motherfucker ever to come out of the T-Town, if it wasn't for his head he'd be dropping 20 a game.

Indiana Pacers: Jermaine O'neal is good but has too many weaknesses to be a superstar. Stephen Jackson is just bat-shit crazy and that is actally pretty awesome.

Phoenix Suns: I'm a homer, big time, but I think this can be the Suns year. This team is so stacked that Amare doesn't even need to get back to his former self for them to win it all, he just has to come in and bang and hustle and that should be enough to put the Suns over the top. The usual suspects will do their thing, Nash, Shawn Marion (still underrated), Raja Bell. The keys will be Leandro Barbosa and Boris Diaw. Barbosa could eventually be a premier guard in the NBA, and mark my words, he will be. Diaw is just dirty and the two of them together can be the future of the Suns if Amare's knees don't get right. And if Amare does get back to 100% ? It's fucking over, seriously bitches. D'Antoni is too good of a coach to let egos derail this season and I can see the Suns gelling because of the adversity and that can only mean one thing... Phoenix Suns, 2007 NBA Champions!