Sunday, November 19, 2006

A Conversation...

The following is a re-enactment of an actualy conversation held between yours truly and Mike Seaver Fan....

MSF:Hey Omar!! How are you?? You're so cool and your tip is so much bigger than mine!!

Omar: Oh I know that biiiiitch.

MSF: Oh Omar you're so right, what was I thinking telling you something you already know?? I'm so gay.

Omar: Yeah you are pretty gay. Speaking of gay, why have you been signing the ends of your posts with "c" and "msf". Just say your gay ass name and get on wit it hoe.

MSF: Well, as you might suppose, "msf" stands for "Me Suck Fat-tipper". But, you may be surprised by my "c" signature. It is me paying homage to my favorite TV show of all time. It refers to Crane, as in the last name of Frasier and Niles on my very most favorite show "Frasier". Oh, how I do love those two and their antics. Tee Hee.

Omar: What is wrong with you? Are you kidding me? The only person that watches that show is Dave, and he has an excuse cuz he's a pompous caucasian homosexual.

MSF: Come on Omar, it's a great show. You know what else is superb? "Friends". and "Dancing with the Stars". Oh how delectable those two shows are. I was so dismayed that Emmit Smith beat out the heart-throb from Saved By The Bell. He's such a hunk and he deserved to win that trophy. It's okay he'll always have the dough eyes on the block. Tee Hee. Oh, speaking of Friends, did you see the episode where Ross-

Omar: Corday please stop.

MSF: But Omar, Ross is so silly. OH OH OH. And Chandler is so spunky. I love him as well.

Omar has gone offline.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Arrested Development and the NBA

In remembrance of my favorite TV show, the now defunct series Arrested Development, I will examine which NBA players most closely share the traits of the main characters. Without further ado:

Michael Bluth- Steve Nash
The centerpiece of it all, Michael organizes the mess that is the Bluth family in a similar fashion to the way Steve Nash orchestrates the chaos that is a Phoenix Suns fast break. Both are unique within their surroundings, Michael seems to have gained a work ethic and selflessness despite most of his family having neither, while Nash is a pass-first, ego-free player in an era of gunners and prima donnas.

Gob Bluth- Gilbert Arenas
There is two ways I could have gone with this one, either the Gob is a big fucking loser angle, in which case I would have picked somebody like Stephon Marbury, or the Gob is just a lovable underdog whose accomplishments go unnoticed because of more popular siblings angle. I chose the latter. Gob is my favorite character on the show so I could not do him the great disservice of a Marbury comparison. Likewise Arenas, an Arizona alum, is one of my favorite players in the NBA. Gob has always been in the shadow of Michael and Lindsay, much like Arenas when it comes to the holy trinity of LeBron, Wade and Carmelo. Gob constantly has his family questioning and mocking his life as a magician, much like basketball pundits are always questioning Arenas' skill as a "true" point guard. Both have highs as well, Gob stuck the super-hot Spanish soap opera star "Martha 1" at the beginning of the first season and also successfully made the family's yacht "disappear" on the Girls With Low Self-Esteem video. Arenas hit a game-winning shot against the Bulls in the playoffs two years ago and made the All-Star team last season. And both have had their lows, Gob's failure to escape from prison as well as his constant crying come to mind, while Arenas' choke job on two free-throws against the Cavs in the playoffs last season was not his finest moment. Both are madly unpredictable and probably get a lot of poon as well, thus making them a fine match.

Lucille Bluth- Kobe Bryant
Wow, where to begin... obviously both live in Southern California, both are extremely unlikable and both have addiction problems (Lucille to alcohol and Kobe to douchebagginess). Lucille and Kobe both like to play people behind the scenes, pulling the necessary strings to get what they want. Lucille plays all of her children against one another, telling Lindsay one thing and Michael another in order to break up their alliance. Despite what he says, Kobe definitely got Shaq run out of town and likely Phil Jackson as well. They both put on an innocent face in public, disguising the fact that they are actually degenerates and the opposite of what they show. Sure, they will occasionally help someone out, but only as long as there is something in it for them. Lucille will do one of her kids a favor but rest assured she expects something in return, while Kobe likes to play the role of "mentor" to the younger Lakers but don't be fooled, he does not care about them or their development, he just likes hearing sportscasters and writers talk about how "mature" and "giving" he has become. Fuck Kobe and his fake charisma and modesty.

To be continued...

Monday, November 06, 2006

Arizona vs. Team Georgia


Basically because I am a rock-solid pimp, my editor at the Arizona Daily Wildcat asked me if I would like to tag-along with our senior basketball writer Roman Veytsman to the Arizona-Team Georgia exhibition game on Saturday. Needless to say it was sick as fuck so here is a recap that also functions as a season preview for the No. 10 Arizona men's basketball team.

15 minutes before tip-off I met Roman at the press entrance of McKale. I was given a very sexy looking press pass and we were on our way. We grabbed the rosters for each team and headed onto the court. I had never sat courtside for an Arizona basketball game so I was pretty excited, and the fact that some girl I had had a crush on in my consumer class last year was sitting like four rows behind me only heightened my level of excitement. Anyway, back to the game, the Wildcats were facing off against Team Georgia, a merry band of misfits and cast-offs that traveled the country playing in exhibition games against top-level colleges. Basically it was little more than a glorified pick-up game. The only thing of note about Team Georgia is that Spyda, aka Dennis Chism from the And 1 streetball show on ESPN, was said to be on the team. Apparently he killed a man before tip-off or something like that because he was nowhere to be found. So that was disappointing, but believe it or not the teams decided to play on without him.

Expectations for this year's team are high in Tucson, just as they always are. After last year's debacle with Hassan (D.U.I.) Adams and Chris (Douchebag) Rodgers I am looking forward to a distraction free year from the Cats. Arizona is as talented as any team in the country and are ranked #10 in the meaningless pre-season polls. Will this be the year they put it all together and get that elusive second National Championship for Lute Olson? Only time will tell but if their first "game" of the season was any indication then a championship is a realistic possibility with some improvement in key areas.

The Wildcats started the game with Mustafa (How can your jump-shot not improve in four years) Shakur, Jawann (Hard-luck) McClellan, Chase (The Great White Hope) Budinger, Mohamed (The Mali Man-Eater) Tangara and Ivan (Don't Pass Him The Ball!) Radenovic [Nicknames mine]. Marcus (Baby-Mustache) Williams did not play because of an ankle injury. Team Georgia countered with a bunch of 6' 5" black guys. The only guy on the team that anyone knew anything about was the center, Eddie Elisma. Apparently he played with Stephon Marbury and Matt Harpring at Georgia Tech and has since bounced around, getting a cup of coffee with the Sonics at one time and also balling it up in the NBDL. So yeah, quite the match-up, an elite college basketball program against a bunch of nobodies from small southern colleges.

So the game basically went as expected, with the Wildcats winning by 51 points. It was not even as close as the 125-74 score would indicate. Stubby freshman Nic Wise had 24 points on 8-8 shooting. He hit all four of his three attempts and looks like he'll be a pretty good player despite standing only 5'7" at the most. Budinger also had 24 points despite not shooting well. He showed off his athleticism on a couple dunks and played hard. He might have come in with unrealistic expectations but I think he'll eventually become the elite player everyone expects him to. Shakur somehow put up 14 points, 16 assists, and 8 rebounds. He had a very quiet game and me and Roman both agreed that the official scorer must have fudged several of those assists. All in all the Wildcats displayed an explosive offense and a shaky defense that should improve with time. Giving up 75 points to Team Georgia wasn't a good start, but the Wildcats have the players to be solid defensively and with that offense that is all they'll need.

After the game I went with all the other real journalists into the locker room to interview the players. It smelled like no kind of ass I had ever experienced before. I've been in locker rooms all my life and never smelled anything that bad; our high school locker room smelled like a bed of virgin roses compared to this catastrophe. Journalists really do live a glamorous life. Talking to the players was cool, I let all the actual journalists do their thing and Roman had me ask a couple bull-shit questions about the Cats next exhibition game against Victoria or some shit. None of the players had a clue about who Victoria was so it was pretty pointless, but interesting nonetheless. I think I pissed off Fendi Onobun by questioning his decision to shoot a 3; I was merely wondering about the shot itself and not the decision. He missed badly and has a reputation as a poor shooter and he kind of took offense. Everything else was cool, I talked to Chase Budinger which was weird because I watched him in the Mcdonald's All-America game and dunk contest last year. He seemed like a chill guy and gave me all the usual athlete cliches. My new boy on the team is freshman Jordan Hill. He is raw as fuck and will likely only receive sporadic playing time but he has a butt-load of potential and was a cool guy to interview.

My final thoughts on the team are this:

1) J.P. Prince, Tayshaun's cousin, might as well just transfer now. He has already been beat out by the freshman Wise and his piss-poor attitude isn't going to get him any playing time. He is already a bust who has proven to have more hype than skill and if he could read the writing on the wall he would just cut his losses. Top-10 PG recruit Jared Bayless is coming in next year so the future is not looking any brigher for Prince.

2) Radenovic is still the same player he always has been. Despite reports to the contrary, he is still a step slow and extremely turnover-prone. While he will have his good shooting nights, his lack of contribution in other areas will eventually hurt this team. Lute just gives him too much credit and slack. Fearless prediciton: Jordan Hill outplays him this year in limited minutes.

3) The Mohamed Tangara experiment needs to end. As much as I like the guy, he has not developed at all in three years and remains a big-time project. On top of that his athleticism and strength seem to be diminishing and it has reached the point that I don't think he can hold his own in the paint.

4) Chase Budinger will win Pac-10 Freshman of the Year. I know I said that he may have come in with unrealistic expectations, but the fact remains that he is an incredible talent and will receive both the minutes and oppurtunities to put up numbers. He had almost twice as many shot attempts as his next closest teammate, Jawann McClellan, and I expect that to be a trend. Expect him to be the second leading scorer behind Marcus Williams and contend for national freshman of the year honors at the end of the season.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Jalen Rose??????

The moment baby Colangelo leaves, Phoenix firmly stuffs a cactus in its ass. As I sit here jacking off with tears as lube, I can't help but ponder, "What has Jalen Rose done with his life that would entice the suns at all?" The only positive thing anyone could say about him is that he is a shrewd businessman for robbing so many teams of gigantic ammounts of money. Maybe the Suns know something I don't and they'll turn this into another successful reclamation project, a la Tim Thomas. In this humble reporter's opinion, the Suns needed this poor man's Austin Croshere like they needed another Amare knee surgery.